Resilience paved forward

2018

It has been truly been quite a roller coaster ride this year. Be it at national level, at my workplace, within my marriage, between my kids and even within me. Let’s start with the kids shall we?

Piya has entered Standard 1 and my oh my! This new phase of life made me lose my balance from the spinning top. Work has been more demanding than ever so I’ve lost more than 50% of my energy during the day. Work doesn’t stop as we reached home, I’m sure many mothers can relate when I say my second ‘shift’ began as soon as I fetch the kids from schools. You gotta do the laundry, you gotta put dinner on the table, you gotta scrub the pots, check the homework, pack the bags and put things in order for tomorrow. Such repetition squeezed every ounce of strength I have which occasionally leads to unnecessary migraines. C’est la vie! When the Government said that there will be a new education system for Standard 2 in 2019, I welcome the news with great relief albeit I still have fear for the unknown. Let’s keep crossing our fingers that the formula would work and wouldn’t need much of untangling later.

Zaheera… My bubbly and talkative little girl. Time passes by and she grows by the hour. She is still the gem among the Kelantanese plus she is currently the youngest grandchild of all. For now of course. Beneath the layers of pain that I’ve endured previously, I’m grateful that it does led to beautiful things. Take rapport for instance. She brought me closer to my in-laws and I see my parents-in-law more often than usual. We would leave the kids with them during long holidays which is quite unusual when Piya was the only child. But I don’t mind the notion now, for I accepted the fact that many people love her and everyone is asking a piece of the pie. Better love than hate right? So yeaaaah, it’s goooood…

Work…. Well, I took a leap of faith by showing everyone my potential this year. What I’m really good at and that my friend, is holding the microphone. I joined this current position and department after I return from Sabah and it has only been more than a year. I sealed things from people because you don’t show your talent on your first day of school right? You gotta observe and keep things to yourself as a start. My boss pointed out that I have shown rapid improvement compared to last year. And I told him ‘I was observing. This has always been me’. “Don’t curse the darkness” they say, “instead light a candle”. Things do get tough especially when you are lacking of support and resources, but it is pointless to curse at the predicament, rather, find your way around and iron out your own shit. And that my friend, what brought me to greater heights. Each time. I just hope it will all pays off for I have sacrificed a lot of sweat and energy in the name of the department.

So for 2019, I hope I will have more time for my parents… They’re a couple of benevolent parents who have done so much for me. Who made me who I am today. I hope Allah SWT will light my path in finding myself too, gives me strength for every predicaments that awaits. MasyaAllah there is just so many things to pray for but I won’t pen them here, because this isn’t a praying mat… Just sayin….

To a hopeful year ahead!

Down in the dumps

Assalamualaikum and Hello There,

Oh my, posting an entry has become an annual occasion compared to my early days of blogging. My genuine intention when I started blogging was to pen the chronicles in my life. I’m glad I manage to deliver the notion years ago as some important photos have lost from my keeping. Thanx to my diligence (in the past for commemorating memories) I got to retrieve them! 

2018, May..

I thought i wanna resume writing by jotting down happy thoughts but shouldn't sad feelings be appreciated too? That's what we learned from Inside Out right? 

Exactly what i feel RIGHT NOW

Well today, out of many days, truly tests my resilience as a working mother. I usually feel down in the dumps with matters related to my kids which what today was all about. My little one Zaheera has a pinky eye but the doctor has dismissed the notion of conjunctivitis. Seeing a kid with a pinky eye is rather alarming, I know, unfortunately I can’t take any leaves this week. Work has been rather demanding and I’m known to be completing my tasks within my 9 working hours. I would have taken leaves if I was in a better situation but no, I am not….

And here I am, sitting at my desk crunching my laptop being at the end my tether thinking of my Zaheera.. and I do know we’re supposed and should be feeling grateful for everything that we have and everything that we are not bestowed upon as Allah’s plan is better than ours but c’mon laaaa….. it is okay to feel sad and depressed once in a while okaaaay………

So to those lucky homekeepers, I truly envy you today….. You may be dealing with endless chores, but believes, at least your heart is safe and sound at home….

-       Mood: Devastated

Reflecting 2016; finding the silver lining

Assalamualaikum and hello,

It truly has been awhile since I last pen my thoughts here, unlike those days where I shared almost every part of my journey in life. Be it high, be it low, I used to regard this journal as my solace in finding peace.

As of today, I am now a mother of two daughters. I gave birth to Durra Zaheera Binti Aizuddin on 27^th April 2016 at SALAM Hospital, Shah Alam. Those intense hours of enduring 28 hours of labor pain is still fresh in mind as is it took place yesterday. Battling pain in the wee hours is really not fun but it was all worth it when I first laid my eyes on her at 10.45am…. The beautiful full face, fair skin and effortless dimples… My beautiful girl..

Family wise; it has been a really tough year for us. Baba is now custom to hospital visits for his illness is rooted from his diabetes. Diabetes led him to inefficient kidney function, water retention in limbs and lungs, high blood pressure, neovascular glaucoma and the most recent development is one of the valves in his heart has dilated. My poor Baba.. Not to mention the chaos that my younger brother created during Ramadhan. That is another chapter that I’m still coming to terms with. We’re not putting wool over other people’s eye or whatnot, but as time goes by, let things unfold by themselves..

Career wise; let’s let the cat out of the bag.. As I’m writing this entry, I am now sitting at my workstation in Menara Petronas Kota Kinabalu. Yes, SABAH. My baby is in Kelantan under the care of my in-laws and Piya is with my husband in Shah Alam.. Thankfully I have a cousin here residing in KK and she has given me shelter since my 1^st day being alone in KK.. “Percaturan Allah SWT tu indah” is the mantra I keep telling myself. Am I sad? Of course I am; I am a mother furthermore I’ve been taking care of Baba since he fell sick in 2005. Uncountable tears I must say… It’s true what the old folks say “You will discover your strength when being strong is the only option you have”. Henceforth, there must be reason why I’m here despite all my efforts to prevent this. And that is another lengthy chapter for us to wade through.

Friends wise; well………….. I’m being very selective now. Walk with those who hold your hands during hard times, who listens, who offers a helping hand and pray for your well-being. For not all understands you, remember; we live in a community that nods & applause on your hardship. Hence, remaining silent is better than making sense out of fools. I may reserve a few, but the friendship speaks volume.

Lastly, to anyone who is reading, always be grateful with what you have. Your kids may be quite mischievous but at least you get to put them to sleep. Your parents may be rather annoying to handle but at least every time you embrace and look upon their face, you get pahala. You may think you are experiencing financial constraint but ask yourself; do you starve yourself? Does the kids get to go to school? Do you still have food on your table? I don’t have the luxury to any of these FOR NOW but I’m still grateful that my kids are still being loved and care, that Allah SWT is still giving strength to Mama to care for Baba albeit her limitations and finally Allah SWT has place me here to help putting food on other people’s table..

Jazakallahu Khayran Kathia

Occupied mind

Assalamualaikum and hello……….

Two main thing occupying my mind this morning; baba and Pton.. Let’s start with baba shall we…

From the beginning of Ramadhan, like many others, I too had made glorious plans to multiply my deeds, improve my prayers and definitely elevate the Holy month. But I too, like other human beings, did not come short of facing obstacles that life have thrown to me. This my dear, has consume a lot of my energy, attention and constantly occupying my mind.

Baba isn’t well… We first took notice during our first iftar on Saturday. He just look soooo…frail…. Almost 3 weeks have passed and Alhamdulillah he is responding well to the medications. Not only has he been subscribe to the hospital’s pills, he is only drinking Insulin Tea; an insulin in the form of liquid. Rather than injecting this into oneself, he is drinking it like any other regular tea. The results are amazing! His sugar level is hovering around 6,7 and yesterday was the lowest reading he had ever had in such a long time; 5.7. That is too low for a diabetes patient. Oh my… But having said that, he managed to adhere to the best deemed fit range which is 6 ~ 12 only. He may be on a good constructive recovery road but alas, I can’t stop feeling this void; a constant worrying over him. And taking care of matters have consume so much of my time. Especially the night where I accompanied him at the hospital. My blood pressure is low these days and I even got an mc the other day for being lethargic. Yes, I’m tired but if you are a mom, I’m certain that you can wear my shoes huh… We just cannot succumbed to our emotions and must put on a strong will energy or every responsibilities orbiting us would collapse. And that is the kind of damage that cannot be rekindled.

My dear Pton… I just feel numb about this… You want to give but you can’t give much. Yet people are highly depending on your kind courtesy. When you ‘reluctantly’ give out some slight amount, the receiving end felt bitter as it wasn’t deemed suffice. Well, how could it be? I’ve been there at the very same spot. I may be at a better place today but how would I forget the place that built my career? My character? I do hope my dear friends would survive this ordeal. I pray and hope that your sustenance (perhaps) is somewhere else. But I do know for a fact that you guys are strong considering the fact that you are loyal to the company.

Eid is just around the corner. Spiritually, I have nothing proud to share. Just my fair share of lethargic stories. Accountability wise, I’m very glad that the road I’ve taken for the past 7 months have allowed me to finance my parents, my aunts/uncle in Malacca and support my husband. I’ve always dreamed of doing this deed for them. Thank you Allah….

Jazakallahu khayran kathia..

Prudent thoughts

Assalamualaikum and hello there..

It’s been awhile huh? I know… I often open this page and jot down things I wanted to share and later on, I’ll be having second thoughts as some things are best deemed for own keeping. I guess I truly have changed from where I began my journey with this blog. I used to share almost everything here but now, coming to think of it, I’ve began picking stories to share unlike before.

I surmised this change was rooted from a note shared viral in Facebook where it says that you may have good intentions of sharing what you’ve eat, visited, bought, what you are wearing or even how your child is developing. But little do they know (the people who likes to share EVERYTHING), their post updates hurts other people…. For instance “Oh my baby is so cute! She can now read a,b,c at the age of 3”. Sounds innocent right? But those on the receiving end may not be as lucky as you, they maybe are struggling to conceive, or their child is facing critical illness or worse, their child has passed away.

Another annoying example “Syukur Alhamdulillah a simple family holiday #hotel5bintang #oversea #ilovemylife”… Dude… Are you really being grateful or showing off? Because indebted people keep things to themselves for the fear of riak & takabur. I remember one story that should be made as a good exemplar; the wife of late Tok Guru Nik Aziz. Wallahualam the authenticity of the story but then again it conveys a good message. The story goes that one day the wife asked the husband why she is not accessorize with beautiful gold ornaments like other wives. The husband responded that such things should be kept from showing off to people because it may stir conflict in someone’s matrimony. Other wives who are less fortunate would yearn the same thing and create unnecessary argument with their husband. Hence, keep things to yourself. Be smart in sharing personal things about your life. Such a wise simple message from the late Tok Guru huh? Simple story but it hit me hard. #sentapmak

After construing these message from viral posts, it kind of change my perception of life in a major way. It makes me become more prudent in sharing stories be it in social media or even during an encounter. The best example I would like to share here is one annoying uncomfortable situation that I had to bare with. We were invited to a cousin’s house (Uncle Din’s side of the family) along with my dear SIL. The entire conversation was orbiting about my daughter and how I should have another one. They keep stressing the point and stating the obvious that I SHOULD HAVE ANOTHER BABY. They repeated this so many times up to a point where I could barely curt a smile anymore. And all I could think of was my poor SIL. I glanced at them as they grinned an uncomfortable smile. Just so you know, my SIL is still hoping for a child to enlighten her home even after 15 year tying the knot.

What’s the point of this post entry again? I’ve strayed soooo far from what I had in mind and now I can’t recall my intention…………… hhhmmmmmmmm….

Just saying; be prudent with the topic of your conversation and things you want to share with the public….

Life & such

Assalamualaikum & hellooooo February!

Wow…how time flies huh? We have entered the second month of the year man. My colleagues are having Xmas as they just received their annual bonus for the efforts poured in 2014. As for me, I’m just feeling happy for them. Since I have experiences of changing companies, I too have tasted the bitter smile of looking on other’s premium remuneration. My time will come; insyaAllah.

How is the year by far? Nothing much, still. I’m still kicking and rocking my modeling thing though but in a much slower tempo. I’m just not feeling confident with how I look these days or the fact that my body is not in its best shape. I haven’t jog for a while neither go to the gym and this sucks. I wake up 5.15am & I’m freaking tired every day when I arrived home as my task doesn’t end there; it would either be Uncle Din or me to fetch Piya from her play school, then I would have to do the laundry, put dinner on the table, pack Piya’s school bag, hang those clean laundry, fold the previous laundry & cook meals for the next day. Everything must be done by 9pm as I aim to sleep early. Phewww….. #life

A good friend of mine from Proton; Lat (she too has started a new journey with a different company now) gave me a wonderful insight. She told me that I have prayed to Allah SWT for this chance, for this new beginning and Allah SWT bestowed us on things that we can handle. I prayed for this to happen so suck it up & embrace all the hardships. I hate to admit it but she is 100% correct. I may whine once or twice but I’m not regretting any of my decision. I stand by my decision and I’m still going around it to find the best way to accommodate this new life. Goodness gracious me… #lifeagain

There was a casting the other day for a local renown muslimah magazine; Nur. They were scouting for their subsequent front cover girls and their criteria suits me well. I brought 2 of my new friends from PET to give it a try as I truly think they fit the picture. I don’t mind if I’m not selected but I praaaaay my girls would land a chance. You see, I have this odd habit of observing people & beauty is one of the apparent pulling factor. That is why I’m trying my best to introduce my new buddies into this modeling field. I have seen worse but somehow or rather they made it because they have deep passion to strive for it. We’ll see…

Is life going well as I foresee it to be? I guess so. Well… the veracity remains the same though; I’m very much happy now. InsyaAllah..

Has courteous people extinct?

Assalamualaikum & hello there,

COURTEOUS

My head is wrapped around the word for days now. Falls into abyss of agitation each day. One of the questions that I keep pondering is “Didn’t your Mama ever told you to say thank you?” Courteous means well- mannered or being considerate. Regardless of our race, religion or deity, courteous is 100% well taught in any believes. The dogma should flow in our veins without second thoughts. Unfortunately though, it would be a rare scene to see such implementation these days. And I am saying this out of my observation for taking trains & elevators on daily basis.

The one thing that aggravates me the most is scenes in the train. There are times where I had to stand the entire 1 hour journey but there are good days where I managed to secure a seat. The concern here is what would you do when see a pregnant lady, elderly people, people carrying a lot of bags, mothers with kids, children or even large waist people (I’m being polite here) hops onto the train and stand right in front of you?

1.      You pretend that you are sleeping and continue to ignore the scene

2.      You immersed with your gadgets and continue to ignore the scene

3.      You offer your seat to one of the mentioned above

You know the correct answer however the cookies no longer crumbles like that these days. If I had a seat, so far, Alhamdulillah, I still offer my seat. Sometimes to the extent of wading through people to bring the aunty to my seat. I know how much you loveeeeee your seat but be courteous people.

Have you ever consider to be in their shoes?

Have you ever tried to empathize them?

Have you ever imagined if this happens to your mother or love ones?

It really breaks my heart as I stood in the train looking on those people in need are standing whilst those who are seated refuse to comprehend & put on a blind sight. The needy are continued to be oppressed but ignorant people. This is today’s reality.

Another annoying scene is definitely the elevator. Once, I was rushing to jump in a partially filled elevator but none had the courtesy to hold the door. They saw me running with my belongings but none was keeping the ajar for me. They all stood away from the door waiting for it to shut. I managed to get in and exasperated loudly “MasyaAllah! Tak boleh tahankan pintu ke??”. On the other hand, if the scene is turn the other way round, very few people had the courtesy to utter “Thank you” in return. That is today’s reality.

Why am I so bothered with these? The answer is simple; I was brought up with an abundance of courtesy where very few showed me or my family the courtesy when needed. I have experienced moments of being at the mercy of people. But no one cared. Yes, people are ignorant and selfish. I understand the suffering and disappointment hence I vowed not to make others endure what I had. 

Be courteous not for people’s praise or approval but do it for Allah SWT. Believe that every little courtesy that you show to others will be rewarded in abundance.

I don’t know who will be reading my rant here but insyaAllah someone would.

Jazakallhu Khyran Kathia

How much have i changed?

2015 marks my debut working with a new company; PET.

It made me reminisce my first day of employment with Proton 5 years ago; January 4, 2010. How I feel today is waaaay different than what I felt back then. I was scared, naïve, gullible, reciprocate on instincts, emotional driven, hot temper, sometimes insolent as I have little threshold of tolerance with imbecile & inefficient people and most all I was also driven by prejudice. I always made assumptions on people base on a few encounters only which at the end of the day I regretted those intuitive perceptions.

5 years later at the very same spot, here I stand again as a newbie in an established company. So how are my attributes these days? I would say I am more poised, more of a team player, better tolerance, more calm dealing with idiots, more composed facing with “difficult” people, I have more empathy now compared to before, I ponder on people’s behavior, and most surprisingly I began to flourish my leadership skills. I never knew I had that in me. I always thought those of pulses of being in control but apparently I began to establish traits of a leader. Poyo kan? Hahahahaha…

5 years of gap and I am very much different than the person I was in a similar spot. I would say these attributes were discovered by my fellow superior in Proton and they guided me to propel in constructive direction. Yeap, my superiors, my friends; Razman, PakCad, Zabani, Azlan Styling, K. Yati, K. Neng and most of all my dearly beloved K.Mia.

K.Neng once shared with me that Allah SWT gives us hidayah (hints) at all times. It is around us. It is everywhere. It is actually the matter of our heart, mind and soul to see them. To decipher them. It took me awhile to understand this notion but as it began to unravel, it made me realized that Allah SWT wants us to respond instead of react because respond is a result of calculative thoughts whilst reaction is a result of impulse. So whenever I am succumb to any situation be it by people, task or environment, I would take 1 step back and reflect on the situation. So this is where I began to notice that my superiors whom I mentioned earlier on did everything in their power for the sake of my improvement. I realized that now.

Dear Razman, PakCad, Zabani, Azlan Styling, K. Yati, K. Neng and K.Mia, I doubt that you guys will read this post but allow me to commemorate my gratitude. Thank you for everything and do believe when I say I am who I am today because of your teachings. Syukur Alhamdulillah Allah SWT crossed our path because it made me realized too that Allah SWT made us acquainted for us to learn from each other.

Thank you. 

A new year ahead

January 5, 2015

Happy New Year peeps! Sooooo, how did you celebrated yours? Mine? Terrific!! Fluffy pillows, soft blankie, warm bed aaaaand great evening programs on the TV. Mine was great! #motherhoodhappens

A new chapter with PET. 1 month has passed since I first reported for duty and it has been quite pleasant so far. I have a great partner in crime which is very important monsieur for it will either make you or break you. I have a great boss too whom I surmise very much akin to my previous Head of Dept in Proton. Whatever it is, I am currently (still) in a good state. So far. *sigh

In conjunction with 2015 debut, like others, I too have my own resolutions. I have it but I don’t normally filled them though. It just stays there up my board looking back at me every time I stare into space. Having said that, there are a few things that I’m quite certain of :-

1.       More runs

I want more runs. I am confident to do 10km now and I do aim to run once a month. I feel fresh, vibrant, energize and buoyant every time I reached the finishing line. But I do curse a lot while I was running though such as Whyyyyy oh whyyyyy did I join this??? Yeaaaaah, it happens. I feel proud wearing the medal after I completed the run. I don’t know; I just feel more powerful of myself. It is as if I have achieved greatness and explore my potential. Poyo kan? I know… (- ___-)

2.       Make friends amend foes

Well, yeaaaah… We’ll see about that… Hhhmmm

3.       Austerity Drive

As I was just about to taste the cream of my new salary scheme, we are being hit with a terrible news; the harsh waves on world oil price. So the company will be on austerity drive which also means I need to refinance myself and minimize my debts as low as possible. I’m so glad I made the right decision to move here.

4.       Babies?

To be frank with you, I miss being pregnant. I miss holding a tiny baby fresh from the oven. I reckon that the experiences I had with Piya educated me to have a better control in the event of another knocked up. Do pray for our sustenance yea as Allah SWT plans are always better than ours.

Well, this is simple mere of what I can think of right now. More resolutions will come along the way. All in all, I’m feeling pretty happy at this moment. I don’t feel crap over work anymore and that my friend is extremely important.

2014 : What a year

2014….

What a year it has been. Many ups and plenty of downs too. I’m writing this entry with puffy eyes and a swollen face. Reminiscing the year and the things we have endured encourages you to read between the lines. We may foresee a tip of an iceberg ahead but we never know the unforeseen iceberg’s diameter lies beneath the cold unfazed sea. If I have a scale that measures happiness, I would say the pin would lean more towards sorrow this year. So yeaaaah.. What a year it has been.

Globally i would say the biggest thing that touches my heart the most was the commotion happened in Palestine. I really couldn't accept that. I even asked my panel during my 2nd interview with Petronas to make donation via sms. The tragic that took place was really unacceptable.

Malaysia is definitely experiencing plenty of difficult endeavors this year. Drawing global attention for non-constructive reasons. Catastrophes related to aviation field, at one time we were too hot & dry and now we are facing raining days leading to flood at some regions. The worst flood recorded since the 70’s. Those poor families. I can’t imagine myself being in their shoes but I do empathize them. The toll death is increasing and many of them were children & elders. My colleagues from the induction program are pulling a pool of resources for donation to the flood victims. More so and so when we have a couple of the peeps experiencing the disaster back at home. So we channel our donation through them upon their return on weekends.

For me, my personal trials would be the point when I decided to leave Proton. That was hard. Secondly, it would be the minor operation that I went through. The aftermath affected me physically & mentally hence leaving me to struggle on gaining life balance again. A passing of a close friend from my former company the late Kak Intan Dawinee... MasyaAllah SubhanaAllah... Hari Raya was celebrated moderately as I was clouded with ultimate sadness..

 Lastly, the passing of my beloved cat; Berry. We found him in 2006 since he was a little baby. He passed away yesterday due to aging & the illness that comes along with it. This. Is. Tough. Dealing with deaths. It may just be a cat to you monsieur but it was a dearly beloved child to me. For cat-lovers like me, our affection to them is very much akin as loving a child. So never joke about this. You never know that you may hurt other people’s feeling on expressing your thoughts. If you can’t comprehend & fathom them, just hold your peace. Some thoughts are better left unspoken.

My eyes are so swollen right now. Accompanied with a pounding headache. I have lost my appetite too but that should be could as an attempt to be slimmer. I cried so hard last night especially when my brother allowed me to see Berry for the very last time. He was ‘sleeping’ in such tranquility. He looks so serene. And I will have to learn on ‘letting’ him go. *tears on my keyboard

I never thought that 2014 would end like this. I really hope 2015 would be more kind and pleasant to me. My family. My country. 

InsyaAllah

It's Time To Move On

May 2014

I don’t feel happy anymore. Nothing seemed to excite me anymore. Things were not going as I have hoped for. I have poured a lot effort to make this work but nothing seem to avail. Work oppression has definitely leave an adverse impact on my life. Well actually, in precise, the environment & ambiance made me trudge to work. Everyday my ultimate aim was to clock out at 5.30pm. This is so not me. This is very unhealthy. It is demoralizing on so many levels.

I have serve this company for 5 years. I can still recall the day I came for my interview. Baba accompanied me that day; like always. My father the hero. He is always there when I’m having cold feet and butterflies in my stomach. Then he will give me his speech on life and how challenges mold us to be better. And 5 years have passed since that very day.

But was I ready to move on? Was I ever ready to submit my resume and made that click? I was so complacent and the thought of starting fresh from the bottom was definitely not amusing. Besides, the uncertainty of what the future holds really twist a knot in my core. A good friend once advised me “Allah SWT gives us hints (hidayah) at all times. It is just a matter of us to look through it”. And yeaaaah, I think I noticed several hints but the 1^st step of making that change was not easy. It took me a lot courage. It means I would have to change and that is BIG.

September 2014

After a series of interviews and weeks of patience, I received a positive news. I really did not expected a constructive answer as the road was tough. The first thing that came across my mind was “How am I going to break this news to my colleagues & friends?”. Complacent. Content. These emotions will no longer be a part of me for the next few years. Will I be ready for it? Suddenly it hit me right there; OMG I am going to depart from my comfort zone. MasyaAllah………

2 days away from official report for duty. I haven’t pack a thing. I really wasn’t looking forward for a beginner’s induction program. “Hye, I’m Dora. And I’m bored. And I don’t wanna be here. Can I just start to work like.. now?”. I wish things were as easy as that. But nope; I have to endure beginner’s induction program. Now where is my luggage again?

1 December 2014

Registration day. Hmmm….. I stood there all alone in the very long queue waiting for my turn. As I observed the scene, everyone looked so young, slim, thin, fresh from graduation & positive. Well, you haven’t tasted life kids. I refuse to speak to anyone. I just stood there, hugging myself and fetch my things when my number was up. I walked all by myself as we were asked to proceed to the gathering hall. Again; I wasn’t bothered to speak to anyone.

I saw a girl with a Pakistani features “She looks nice & lonely. Pity her”. So I said hello and we were acquainted throughout the day. By the grace of Allah SWT, I met Seina. Apparently, we came from the same background and we were holding back a lot of feelings. The uncertainty. We instantly became close as I reckon she understands me the most. Alhamdulillah, she is such a sweetie pie. That was my 1^st friend here in Petronas.

The induction program was made compulsory for 8 days + 1 day + 3 days so that means 2 freaking weeks for me. The early days felt so long and was drowning was energy. I wasn’t present. My heart was still longing for Proton but I knew that I must move on. Until one day when both the facilitators discussed an emotional topic “Why Are You Here?”. Oh yesssss, it definitely broke me down to tears. I cried during that session. I could hear other kids were whispering out of curiosity but no one dares to approach me as I was still wearing my morbid look. I was still holding back.

It took me awhile to open up and I just continue with the compulsory activities; delivering presentations. Oh presentations….. The 1^st presentation was definitely not my cup of tea; the topic was solely on Oil & Gas or Exploration & Production. They sound soooo French to me. So I wasn’t bothered. Luckily the subsequent presentations were leaning more to my skills. Topics on work culture, business trend etc were definitely my forte. That’s when a few girls came up to me. Praising my presentation and asking me questions. That is where it all began. I begin to open up. I begin to talk. I begin to make friends. And hey! They were not bad at all huh….

Not bad at all...

30 December 2014

So here I am today. Completed the induction program and seated at my work station. It has been 2 weeks since I’m here and I haven’t started anything yet. Many people are on leave for the holidays. It’s alright then. Let me embrace these peace moments while I can.

MasyaAllah SubhanaAllah…. May Allah SWT ease all my undertakings….

Modesty, Du'a & Struggles

Assalammualaikum & hello..

A few things have been bothering me for quite some time. There are times where I just simply couldn't understand what is He trying to show. What is He trying to tell me? I do concur and fathom that everyone has their own struggles. Does a struggle means that He loathe me? Or does a struggle means that He is just testing the treachery water of life preceding giving me goods? Wallahu 'alam.. Only He knows... And May is already here, adding  another stratum to my struggles. 

And here's what I do; I would go to & fro browsing Virtual Mosque by Suhaib Webb looking for wisdom. Don't get me wrong by comparing this site to the Holy Quran. Not indeed. What I was meaning to say is that the articles are narrated by learned Muslim in Islamic Studies such SuhaibWebb himself, sis Yasmin Mogahed, sis Jinan Bastaki, sis Maryam Amirebrahimi and others. Yes, I adore reading females writing. And every article would steer your direction to the same path which is make an intense & heartfelt du'a to Allah SWT because du'a means supplication / appeal / plea. 

Again; I'm neither pious nor uphold an in depth knowledge in Islam. I can assure you that my knowledge is neither nor half of that. I'm still struggling to understand the religion that I was born with and enact on those belief. So today, I would love to share this beautiful piece narrated by sis Jinan Bastaki. She expounded on the fervent hopes of du'a and the importance of emulating modesty like those Muslims exemplar. Some of the circumstances she mentioned were:-

1) ‘Uthman bin Affan (ra) : There was once a poor child who came to ‘Uthman (ra) in the masjid. So what ‘Uthman (ra) did was he gave the child a garment and put a lot of money in the pocket. He told the child to show the garment to his parents and ask them what they thought of it. So the child went home to show his parents his new shirt, and they discovered the money that ‘Uthman put in the pocket. ‘Uthman was not seeking attention; he did it quietly. He was modest even in giving.  

2) Shaitan (Satan) wants us to doubt—‘Was that really an answer to my du`a’? It must be a coincidence,’ or even worse ‘Yay for ME! I’M the one who did this!’ Don’t be that person.

MODESTY.. The word sure bears a lot weight. "Immodest people usually seek their sense of worth from people around them. They love the praise or the shock from people for their behavior". Sentap seyh..... *facepalm* I don't actually seek praises but of course I love praises because it makes me feel appreciated. Apparently though, this is sooooo wrong...  I know a few people who loves praises. Once, I purposely praised a girl for her beauty and you know what she said? "Thaaaank yooooouu (with that stupid grin on the face).. I memang suka mcm nih.." And that was the last time I spoke to her... *showoff.. Another simple situation that I believe is more close to us especially mothers is when people praises your kid. How to respond with modesty and not being pompous? All mothers think their child is the cutest or the smartest or the best. It's like arguing politics..Subhanallah........

Similar to both situation above. How many people are capable to enact like 'Uthman (ra)? I know I wouldn't because there are so many dubious beggars these day. And how many people is guilty of situation number #2? I know I am. The word Alhamdulillah is lightly mentioned but I don't think I was ultimately grateful. I believed I earned them and it were my doings... And that is wrong... MasyaAllah.. I feel so terrible right now.....

In relation to a different article in the web, the author wrote "When we have modesty with Allah, our manners and behavior with His creation will naturally exude more modesty. So, outer modesty is a byproduct and manifestation of the God-consciousness and modesty we nurture within. As such, the Prophet ﷺ told a man he was advising: “I advise you to have shame with Allah as you would have shame (in the presence) of a righteous man from your people""...source

*facepalm*lackofmodesty*

"The most grateful of people are those that recognize that when they do not get exactly what they want, they know that Allah (swt) gave them something else for a wisdom." Boleh? Kau mampu? Mampu pikir lagu nih? It's kinda hard to ameliorate a broken heart as disappointments are domineering. That is why the article was highlighting on fervent hopes by supplication to Allah in du'a.

You may read the full article here but to make things easy, here are some of the salient points that left me to ponder (in summary ok?) :-

1) 1- Allah is Hayyiy, so be shy in front of Him

Imagine a Lord who is always there for you even though you bring no meaning to Him. He would give the very best of your plea even though He gains nothing in return. But you know, no matter what you asked for, He won't return your hands in sifran. So be demure by doing one thing correctly; perform your daily prayers.

2- Have hayaa with people

Be modest by not being a show-off. Be down-to-earth

3- Try not to turn people away  

If you can't resolve a man's problem, help them by directing to those who can.

4- Ask Allah for all of your needs

Supplication to Allah in du'a without the fear of disappointment.

5- Work hard, and have a good opinion of Him

The more goods you do, the more goods you get

6- Avoid the things that prevent your du`a’ being answered

Haaaaa.... Be certain that all your sustenance are permissible (halal)

 7- Know Him

 Learn His attributes. Seek to understand and be understood.

 Oh my... What an entry... If this ain't your cup of tea, you can always steer away to other blogs yea.. 

Thank you to those who spent time to read & don't forget to browse Virtual Mosque.

Jazakallahu Khayran

KCK 7km Fun Run

Assalammualaikum & hello..

Last weekend was tiring.. How was yours? Me? Nothing much.. Just some photo shoot, a marathon and a visit from my brother..

(-__-)

Heheheeee...

C'mon..! I had an awesome week! Not only did I get to do a photo shoot with Lazada Malaysia, I even get to join another marathon peeps! Haaaa.... Yezzzer... I joined KCK Fun Run 7km on April 6, 2014 and the location was at Setia City Park. How awesome is that?? The place is adjacent to Shah Alam and took us 15 minutes of driving. Setia Alam vicinity is so beautiful hence I was really excited on this particular run. I'm not sure how many people joined the run but the crowd was awesome! There was 2 categories; 7km & 5km but the finisher was only offered for the longer route. I'm a sucker for finisher medals so I was ardent to join the 7km run. 

 Like many other runs, the run started at the brisk of dawn around 7.30am and we began gathering at the starting point 15 minutes prior. There I was standing in the middle of the crowd observing people. Most of them were in groups. Some were taking selfies, some were stretching, some were having a good laugh while others looking rather serious focusing on their chi. Me? I ran solo. Like always. I like running solo. The thought does not maim me at all because I get to focus on me. Only me. And that's the beauty of any marathon. It's all about focus and motivation. Plus it juxtaposes Malaysian under one purpose; charity for a good cause. *teaaars 

Off we go exactly at 7.30am. People began to run (they literally ran you know) leaving me behind while I struggled to refrain from following their trail. I tried as much as I can to keep jogging at my best pace; not too fast, not too slow. Just jog & control my breathing. Let these people passes by without giving you an irk. Mampu?? I improved a lot from my preceding runs especially on maintaining the correct tempo. By 2km, I was already passing by a lot of the runners. People began to walk and that does bother me. I keep my eyes on the road as I do not want to be influenced by them. Once in a while, I looked up high in the sky and I could see dawn was leaving, giving way to the beautiful morning ray. The green trees, beautiful blue sky and the cool morning breeze against my skin. Subhanallah.. What a feeling.. 

As soon as I had a vague vision of the finish line, I began to step up and accelerated my pace. The thought of passing through the finish line was thrilling!  I completed my 7km in 50 minutes and Alhamdulillah I finished within the stipulated time. I reckon that I would finished in 70 minutes but apparently I did better this time. I smiled all the way and definitely was extremely happy. I'm happy I did this. I'm happy I chose to live a healthy lifestyle. And while I was running on the tracks, Uncle Din was accompanying Piya playing at the playground. She too got her chance for an outdoor play. 

 

Post-marathon; treat-the-family. Ayah (as usual) would claim his Sushi King while Piya would request for more coloring books. Fineeeeeeee...

 Syukur Alhamdulillah I feel so blessed. A lot to balance but hey! You color your own canvas. Choose to make your art bland or choose to spice up with colours. Either way, choose what makes you happy.

For me, this shall be my legacy. InsyaAllah.

Thank you for reading.

Jazakallahu Khayran.