Resilience paved forward

2018

It has been truly been quite a roller coaster ride this year. Be it at national level, at my workplace, within my marriage, between my kids and even within me. Let’s start with the kids shall we?

Piya has entered Standard 1 and my oh my! This new phase of life made me lose my balance from the spinning top. Work has been more demanding than ever so I’ve lost more than 50% of my energy during the day. Work doesn’t stop as we reached home, I’m sure many mothers can relate when I say my second ‘shift’ began as soon as I fetch the kids from schools. You gotta do the laundry, you gotta put dinner on the table, you gotta scrub the pots, check the homework, pack the bags and put things in order for tomorrow. Such repetition squeezed every ounce of strength I have which occasionally leads to unnecessary migraines. C’est la vie! When the Government said that there will be a new education system for Standard 2 in 2019, I welcome the news with great relief albeit I still have fear for the unknown. Let’s keep crossing our fingers that the formula would work and wouldn’t need much of untangling later.

Zaheera… My bubbly and talkative little girl. Time passes by and she grows by the hour. She is still the gem among the Kelantanese plus she is currently the youngest grandchild of all. For now of course. Beneath the layers of pain that I’ve endured previously, I’m grateful that it does led to beautiful things. Take rapport for instance. She brought me closer to my in-laws and I see my parents-in-law more often than usual. We would leave the kids with them during long holidays which is quite unusual when Piya was the only child. But I don’t mind the notion now, for I accepted the fact that many people love her and everyone is asking a piece of the pie. Better love than hate right? So yeaaaah, it’s goooood…

Work…. Well, I took a leap of faith by showing everyone my potential this year. What I’m really good at and that my friend, is holding the microphone. I joined this current position and department after I return from Sabah and it has only been more than a year. I sealed things from people because you don’t show your talent on your first day of school right? You gotta observe and keep things to yourself as a start. My boss pointed out that I have shown rapid improvement compared to last year. And I told him ‘I was observing. This has always been me’. “Don’t curse the darkness” they say, “instead light a candle”. Things do get tough especially when you are lacking of support and resources, but it is pointless to curse at the predicament, rather, find your way around and iron out your own shit. And that my friend, what brought me to greater heights. Each time. I just hope it will all pays off for I have sacrificed a lot of sweat and energy in the name of the department.

So for 2019, I hope I will have more time for my parents… They’re a couple of benevolent parents who have done so much for me. Who made me who I am today. I hope Allah SWT will light my path in finding myself too, gives me strength for every predicaments that awaits. MasyaAllah there is just so many things to pray for but I won’t pen them here, because this isn’t a praying mat… Just sayin….

To a hopeful year ahead!

Reflecting 2016; finding the silver lining

Assalamualaikum and hello,

It truly has been awhile since I last pen my thoughts here, unlike those days where I shared almost every part of my journey in life. Be it high, be it low, I used to regard this journal as my solace in finding peace.

As of today, I am now a mother of two daughters. I gave birth to Durra Zaheera Binti Aizuddin on 27^th April 2016 at SALAM Hospital, Shah Alam. Those intense hours of enduring 28 hours of labor pain is still fresh in mind as is it took place yesterday. Battling pain in the wee hours is really not fun but it was all worth it when I first laid my eyes on her at 10.45am…. The beautiful full face, fair skin and effortless dimples… My beautiful girl..

Family wise; it has been a really tough year for us. Baba is now custom to hospital visits for his illness is rooted from his diabetes. Diabetes led him to inefficient kidney function, water retention in limbs and lungs, high blood pressure, neovascular glaucoma and the most recent development is one of the valves in his heart has dilated. My poor Baba.. Not to mention the chaos that my younger brother created during Ramadhan. That is another chapter that I’m still coming to terms with. We’re not putting wool over other people’s eye or whatnot, but as time goes by, let things unfold by themselves..

Career wise; let’s let the cat out of the bag.. As I’m writing this entry, I am now sitting at my workstation in Menara Petronas Kota Kinabalu. Yes, SABAH. My baby is in Kelantan under the care of my in-laws and Piya is with my husband in Shah Alam.. Thankfully I have a cousin here residing in KK and she has given me shelter since my 1^st day being alone in KK.. “Percaturan Allah SWT tu indah” is the mantra I keep telling myself. Am I sad? Of course I am; I am a mother furthermore I’ve been taking care of Baba since he fell sick in 2005. Uncountable tears I must say… It’s true what the old folks say “You will discover your strength when being strong is the only option you have”. Henceforth, there must be reason why I’m here despite all my efforts to prevent this. And that is another lengthy chapter for us to wade through.

Friends wise; well………….. I’m being very selective now. Walk with those who hold your hands during hard times, who listens, who offers a helping hand and pray for your well-being. For not all understands you, remember; we live in a community that nods & applause on your hardship. Hence, remaining silent is better than making sense out of fools. I may reserve a few, but the friendship speaks volume.

Lastly, to anyone who is reading, always be grateful with what you have. Your kids may be quite mischievous but at least you get to put them to sleep. Your parents may be rather annoying to handle but at least every time you embrace and look upon their face, you get pahala. You may think you are experiencing financial constraint but ask yourself; do you starve yourself? Does the kids get to go to school? Do you still have food on your table? I don’t have the luxury to any of these FOR NOW but I’m still grateful that my kids are still being loved and care, that Allah SWT is still giving strength to Mama to care for Baba albeit her limitations and finally Allah SWT has place me here to help putting food on other people’s table..

Jazakallahu Khayran Kathia

Couch potato

Assalammualaikum & good morning…

I had a casual chat with one of my colleagues this morning whereby the question was “How was your long weekend?” Malaysia had a long weekend recently; Saturday, Sunday, Federal Territory Day & Thaipusam. Well, we are definitely a diverse culture country so I’m really grateful for alllll the holidays listed in our calendar. Back to the topic, my response to the question made her cringed followed by another question “Is that how married people lead their life??” Hmm… now this began to make me ponder and reflect on my life.. Again..

Like any other long holidays, Uncle Din and I really prefer to opt for a relaxing rest at home. We cook, clean, do the laundry and just lay back on our cheap sofa bed bought from IKEA watching cooking channels. I appreciate the tranquil atmosphere as my normal weekdays are very exhausting. So is this what life has to offer after we settled down with kids? I guess so but it is very much subject to the household itself. I reckon that being parents, we too need a break. Some has the financial stability to opt for a holiday retreat while some may insinuate spending time at home with kids. But such notion can only be appreciated by parents because once you become a parent, you will fathom that your kids is your world.

Nevertheless, to be fair to my Piya, we took her out for some air as I believe that the world is bigger than our LCD screen at home. We just went to One Utama Shopping Mall for a breather at the fish pond. Nothing much though but at least we moved our arse from the couch right.

I hope this pattern wouldn't fall into an abyss of boredom. Or I might have to wait until Piya begins to whine having boring parents. (-_____-)”

How's The New Life?

Assalamualaikum & hello there..

Wow….my last blog entry was 7 months ago. Thanks to PR8888 for blocking the page hence the access to even view my blog. Blogging from home? Naaaah… writing is just an escape route from work oppression and I definitely feel happy at home so no; no blogging from home.

Many things have happened; PLENTY. A LOT. For instance the minor surgery that I had in May 2014. It was a difficult choice that I deemed as the best solution but the results left me with mixed feelings. Not to mention how it altered my life. Apart from that, I tendered from PR8888. Tadaaaaa! 

Yeaaaaa… that was BIG…. It was hard and BIG.. I never imagined that I would be one of those people who would job-hop after 5 years. I love P88888 but it is just a necessary thing to do. And here I am; serving my current employment at PET88888. 

I do hope that my fate with PET88888 would be better. You know, economically better. Especially when I have maximized my credit card. Oh, don't get me wrong. I didn't shop new attire for my new working place. Definitely NO. I just moved in to my own apartment and maaaaan... having your own place is really cash consuming but having your own comfort space makes it totally worth it.    

So how is work now? It is hard to say as I have not started much. But one of the things that make me really happy is people I acquainted with from the new executive induction program. I really feel like one of those X-Men dudes and were brought together by Professor X. I feel that I am at the right place. Secure. Happy. And being with people like me; freak. Hahahaha.. Well, that doesn't make any sense for now.

Modeling? Well, I made a silent wish to slower the pace and set my priorities right. The same goes with my devotion to run. Marathons are also put on hold until Uncle Din and I are really settled. There are still a lot of things needed to be done at new home. Plus, Piya has started schooling a new place too. So I'm pretty much occupied with my personal things. But I do entertain special requests from close friends / MUA. This was my latest job I did for my good friend MUA Joy Hussin. I will tell you more about it in a different post :)

MUA Joy Hussin

Kids? Well, I only have Piya for now. Again; I really detest people who would be like “oh! She is so big now. You should definitely multiply. YOU SHOULD.” Dude…….. No matter how hard we make plans, His plans trump ours as His plans are better. So please stop making those suggestion. 

Mentioning the obvious.

Us; Dec 2014

Modesty, Du'a & Struggles

Assalammualaikum & hello..

A few things have been bothering me for quite some time. There are times where I just simply couldn't understand what is He trying to show. What is He trying to tell me? I do concur and fathom that everyone has their own struggles. Does a struggle means that He loathe me? Or does a struggle means that He is just testing the treachery water of life preceding giving me goods? Wallahu 'alam.. Only He knows... And May is already here, adding  another stratum to my struggles. 

And here's what I do; I would go to & fro browsing Virtual Mosque by Suhaib Webb looking for wisdom. Don't get me wrong by comparing this site to the Holy Quran. Not indeed. What I was meaning to say is that the articles are narrated by learned Muslim in Islamic Studies such SuhaibWebb himself, sis Yasmin Mogahed, sis Jinan Bastaki, sis Maryam Amirebrahimi and others. Yes, I adore reading females writing. And every article would steer your direction to the same path which is make an intense & heartfelt du'a to Allah SWT because du'a means supplication / appeal / plea. 

Again; I'm neither pious nor uphold an in depth knowledge in Islam. I can assure you that my knowledge is neither nor half of that. I'm still struggling to understand the religion that I was born with and enact on those belief. So today, I would love to share this beautiful piece narrated by sis Jinan Bastaki. She expounded on the fervent hopes of du'a and the importance of emulating modesty like those Muslims exemplar. Some of the circumstances she mentioned were:-

1) ‘Uthman bin Affan (ra) : There was once a poor child who came to ‘Uthman (ra) in the masjid. So what ‘Uthman (ra) did was he gave the child a garment and put a lot of money in the pocket. He told the child to show the garment to his parents and ask them what they thought of it. So the child went home to show his parents his new shirt, and they discovered the money that ‘Uthman put in the pocket. ‘Uthman was not seeking attention; he did it quietly. He was modest even in giving.  

2) Shaitan (Satan) wants us to doubt—‘Was that really an answer to my du`a’? It must be a coincidence,’ or even worse ‘Yay for ME! I’M the one who did this!’ Don’t be that person.

MODESTY.. The word sure bears a lot weight. "Immodest people usually seek their sense of worth from people around them. They love the praise or the shock from people for their behavior". Sentap seyh..... *facepalm* I don't actually seek praises but of course I love praises because it makes me feel appreciated. Apparently though, this is sooooo wrong...  I know a few people who loves praises. Once, I purposely praised a girl for her beauty and you know what she said? "Thaaaank yooooouu (with that stupid grin on the face).. I memang suka mcm nih.." And that was the last time I spoke to her... *showoff.. Another simple situation that I believe is more close to us especially mothers is when people praises your kid. How to respond with modesty and not being pompous? All mothers think their child is the cutest or the smartest or the best. It's like arguing politics..Subhanallah........

Similar to both situation above. How many people are capable to enact like 'Uthman (ra)? I know I wouldn't because there are so many dubious beggars these day. And how many people is guilty of situation number #2? I know I am. The word Alhamdulillah is lightly mentioned but I don't think I was ultimately grateful. I believed I earned them and it were my doings... And that is wrong... MasyaAllah.. I feel so terrible right now.....

In relation to a different article in the web, the author wrote "When we have modesty with Allah, our manners and behavior with His creation will naturally exude more modesty. So, outer modesty is a byproduct and manifestation of the God-consciousness and modesty we nurture within. As such, the Prophet ﷺ told a man he was advising: “I advise you to have shame with Allah as you would have shame (in the presence) of a righteous man from your people""...source

*facepalm*lackofmodesty*

"The most grateful of people are those that recognize that when they do not get exactly what they want, they know that Allah (swt) gave them something else for a wisdom." Boleh? Kau mampu? Mampu pikir lagu nih? It's kinda hard to ameliorate a broken heart as disappointments are domineering. That is why the article was highlighting on fervent hopes by supplication to Allah in du'a.

You may read the full article here but to make things easy, here are some of the salient points that left me to ponder (in summary ok?) :-

1) 1- Allah is Hayyiy, so be shy in front of Him

Imagine a Lord who is always there for you even though you bring no meaning to Him. He would give the very best of your plea even though He gains nothing in return. But you know, no matter what you asked for, He won't return your hands in sifran. So be demure by doing one thing correctly; perform your daily prayers.

2- Have hayaa with people

Be modest by not being a show-off. Be down-to-earth

3- Try not to turn people away  

If you can't resolve a man's problem, help them by directing to those who can.

4- Ask Allah for all of your needs

Supplication to Allah in du'a without the fear of disappointment.

5- Work hard, and have a good opinion of Him

The more goods you do, the more goods you get

6- Avoid the things that prevent your du`a’ being answered

Haaaaa.... Be certain that all your sustenance are permissible (halal)

 7- Know Him

 Learn His attributes. Seek to understand and be understood.

 Oh my... What an entry... If this ain't your cup of tea, you can always steer away to other blogs yea.. 

Thank you to those who spent time to read & don't forget to browse Virtual Mosque.

Jazakallahu Khayran

A healthy activity for us

Assalammualaikum and hello....

I surmise it's kinda palpable that I love running right? You haven't notice? Where have you been dude.... Anyhoooo, YES, I do love running. I never expected that I would feel affection for the entire concept of jogging or even joining marathons. I was never much of a sports person ever since school. Yes, I've participated in netball and sprint runs but just for the sake of curriculum which was made compulsory on everyone... Plus, I was always sought after because of my height, not because I'm talented.I could still remember how I was approached by my seniors including the school's starlet Kak Vanessa where they persuade me to represent our Red House Team in 100m run.. What a bummer..... 12 years later and whaaam! I love sweating.. I love running, doing Jazzercise and considering to return swimming. But for now, I'm so immersed with this...

Inspiring.. source from Mr Google

 Uncle Din is truly my knight in shining armor. Imagined that he would accompany me to ALL my runs where we have to get ready as early 5.30am? Furthermore, he has to look after Piya for 1 hour while waiting for me to cross the finishing line. Thankfully Piya is more sober and her terrible-two-attitude has subsided. She understands instructions and listens.. Well, sometimes.. So after accompanying me for 4 runs now, I successfully inculcate the interest in him. He began by inquiring on the routes, my preparations, the other runners and even shoes. I just told him "Sayang, as long as you have the passion, everything will come into place". 

So, tadaaaaaa! Someone just bought a new pair of shoes. Aaaaauuuw... Cost him RM200+ so I'm gonna make sure that he will optimize the utilization. 

 To officiate the shoes, we joined my aerobic ladies at Denai Alam Lake for a morning jog. Did you know that morning jog burns more calories? Hehehe... *caloriecounterfreak*

 He had fun but he still needs a lot of practice. For me, I'm practicing to push the stroller while runner. It sure takes a lot of my energy as Piya is 14kg man.... I was panting when I completed my 1st round (800m) and wasn't sure if it was a good idea... Nevertheless, this is definitely a new chapter for us.

 Thank you for reading

Jazakallahu Khayran

MILO Breakfast Day 7km Fun Run 2014

 Assalammualaikum and hello there...

Last week was the peak of the month where I have to manage monthly meetings at my work place. A lot has happened and I do mean A LOT. But fret not, we'll pen things accordingly if I'm in the mood to share them yeah..

So I've joined another marathon on April 20, 2014 which was MILO Breakfast Day 7km fun run. I read that more than 20,000 people participated in the run and that is epic! I simply love runs that have big coverage and activities too. I love joining such prominent runs so that my 'resume' seems more appealing. You know, joining important runs for a good cause has more added value don't you think?

 Well, we departed from home quite late that morning causing us to arrive late as well. As we approached the place, the 7km runners were already on the loose hence I had to start running from the mosque... Pfft! 

The 3km runners were waiting for their turn and thankfully I didn't mistaken them by staying put for the whistle. I really had to motivate myself to think positive and not let the tardiness affected my mood. I only got to do some stretching for 5 minutes and off I went. Along my way I stumbled upon familiar faces and that was fun. Normally I would run solo but this time I had running buddies.

 I was truly mesmerized by the beautiful scenery of Putrajaya. And did you know that morning runs is the most effective way to burn more calories? Yezzzzer... I like that~ Being a calorie counter freak, of course it would matters. I wasn't bothered enough to take photos while running as I was focusing on the road but others were taking selfies carrying the monopod in hand. Some even stop for awhile and took photos of the beautiful scenes. Again, I wasn't bothered. What matters is that I want to finish this run and improve myself. I love running and that my dear is the key of success.

 Finished my run at 66 minutes (everyone was provided with a timing chip) at number 1684. Not bad huh? My spot was at number 1684 against 20,000+ runners! That is awesome! Wah laaa weyh!! Happy happy happy! 

 Upon collecting the finisher medal, met some more familiar faces, did some photo shoots and of course went to look after my family. 

 Uncle Din is soooo nice.. This man.. Always supporting my interests and keeping me company. He had to look after Piya too as Piya had a little fever. I do hope one day he would join me & perhaps we could run together. Piya? Well, she could join too by staying put in the stroller.. 

 

 

 

The only downturn of the day was that there were too many people as people came with families & friends. The breakfast tables were congested, there were long queues everywhere that kinda put us a little bit off..  

 Nevertheless, I had an amazing time. And I hope to inspire mothers to be active and join a run. Start with small runs such as 3km or 5km. Be healthy and be a good example to your children as parents lead by example. Let's teach our kids to put down those gadgets and play outside.

 

Thank you for reading and do enjoy the photos.

Jazakallahu Khayran