Resilience paved forward

2018

It has been truly been quite a roller coaster ride this year. Be it at national level, at my workplace, within my marriage, between my kids and even within me. Let’s start with the kids shall we?

Piya has entered Standard 1 and my oh my! This new phase of life made me lose my balance from the spinning top. Work has been more demanding than ever so I’ve lost more than 50% of my energy during the day. Work doesn’t stop as we reached home, I’m sure many mothers can relate when I say my second ‘shift’ began as soon as I fetch the kids from schools. You gotta do the laundry, you gotta put dinner on the table, you gotta scrub the pots, check the homework, pack the bags and put things in order for tomorrow. Such repetition squeezed every ounce of strength I have which occasionally leads to unnecessary migraines. C’est la vie! When the Government said that there will be a new education system for Standard 2 in 2019, I welcome the news with great relief albeit I still have fear for the unknown. Let’s keep crossing our fingers that the formula would work and wouldn’t need much of untangling later.

Zaheera… My bubbly and talkative little girl. Time passes by and she grows by the hour. She is still the gem among the Kelantanese plus she is currently the youngest grandchild of all. For now of course. Beneath the layers of pain that I’ve endured previously, I’m grateful that it does led to beautiful things. Take rapport for instance. She brought me closer to my in-laws and I see my parents-in-law more often than usual. We would leave the kids with them during long holidays which is quite unusual when Piya was the only child. But I don’t mind the notion now, for I accepted the fact that many people love her and everyone is asking a piece of the pie. Better love than hate right? So yeaaaah, it’s goooood…

Work…. Well, I took a leap of faith by showing everyone my potential this year. What I’m really good at and that my friend, is holding the microphone. I joined this current position and department after I return from Sabah and it has only been more than a year. I sealed things from people because you don’t show your talent on your first day of school right? You gotta observe and keep things to yourself as a start. My boss pointed out that I have shown rapid improvement compared to last year. And I told him ‘I was observing. This has always been me’. “Don’t curse the darkness” they say, “instead light a candle”. Things do get tough especially when you are lacking of support and resources, but it is pointless to curse at the predicament, rather, find your way around and iron out your own shit. And that my friend, what brought me to greater heights. Each time. I just hope it will all pays off for I have sacrificed a lot of sweat and energy in the name of the department.

So for 2019, I hope I will have more time for my parents… They’re a couple of benevolent parents who have done so much for me. Who made me who I am today. I hope Allah SWT will light my path in finding myself too, gives me strength for every predicaments that awaits. MasyaAllah there is just so many things to pray for but I won’t pen them here, because this isn’t a praying mat… Just sayin….

To a hopeful year ahead!

Down in the dumps

Assalamualaikum and Hello There,

Oh my, posting an entry has become an annual occasion compared to my early days of blogging. My genuine intention when I started blogging was to pen the chronicles in my life. I’m glad I manage to deliver the notion years ago as some important photos have lost from my keeping. Thanx to my diligence (in the past for commemorating memories) I got to retrieve them! 

2018, May..

I thought i wanna resume writing by jotting down happy thoughts but shouldn't sad feelings be appreciated too? That's what we learned from Inside Out right? 

Exactly what i feel RIGHT NOW

Well today, out of many days, truly tests my resilience as a working mother. I usually feel down in the dumps with matters related to my kids which what today was all about. My little one Zaheera has a pinky eye but the doctor has dismissed the notion of conjunctivitis. Seeing a kid with a pinky eye is rather alarming, I know, unfortunately I can’t take any leaves this week. Work has been rather demanding and I’m known to be completing my tasks within my 9 working hours. I would have taken leaves if I was in a better situation but no, I am not….

And here I am, sitting at my desk crunching my laptop being at the end my tether thinking of my Zaheera.. and I do know we’re supposed and should be feeling grateful for everything that we have and everything that we are not bestowed upon as Allah’s plan is better than ours but c’mon laaaa….. it is okay to feel sad and depressed once in a while okaaaay………

So to those lucky homekeepers, I truly envy you today….. You may be dealing with endless chores, but believes, at least your heart is safe and sound at home….

-       Mood: Devastated

Starting 2017 in Kota Kinabalu Sabah

Assalamualaikum and hello,

As usual, 2017 kick starts with stories about registering kids to school, buying uniforms and appliances, taking kids to 1^st at day at school etc. As I browse through these updates in my newsfeed via Instagram (I don’t do Facebook anymore guys), my heart sank as I did not had the chance to the same for my daughter. “Well, she’s registering for 6 years old” I told myself. I do hope Allah SWT will give me the chance to experience Piya’s 1^st day at school in 2017 for we will never know what the future holds. Ayah sorted things out for Piya and what a headache it brought him. Not only he has to organize stuff, adjust his body clock, he has to deal with Piya’s tantrum too. I surmised the tantrum comes from her yearning for me and her baby sister. I don’t think it was done purposely.

My new year was less than mediocre; it was very quiet. Kelantan is one of the states that recognizes New Year but does not acknowledge it to be a public holiday. Furthermore, Kelantan is raining cats and dogs right now. The ambiance is very cool and dull I must say. Some parts of the state is paralyzed due to flash flood while others are tolerable. Thankfully our kampong is safe from the flood zone.

My visit to Kelantan was colored by Zaheera’s smile. Durra Zaheera (Luminous Pearl); the name that we agreed to bestow on our 2^nd daughter. Being months apart does plant some curiosity in her eyes as she doesn’t recognize me anymore. Her eyes stared deeply into mine wondering who I am to her. Only Allah SWT knows sayang how much the situation hurts yet I’m very grateful you’re in the hands of people who loves you so much. I yearn her touch and hugs but mindful for I do not want to scare her. Allahu Akhbar…….

On my journey back to KK, I sank in my thoughts thinking how do I get out from this predicament? For almost a year, my faith relies in ‘another hand’ and I lost the liberty to control my life. I’m living at the mercy of people’s expectation. I don’t think we’re just a chess on a board game, but I can’t seem to reckon the reasoning behind this journey. Hours later I arrived at my new stay-in; yes I don’t own my own place, I tumpang sana sini… It is much nearer to work and lesser traffic too. Having a simple room to myself do give me the space that I need. Without the need to go along other people’s schedule, I can have my rest at my own time. And there I was lying alone in that room staring at my new bed lamp. Not a lamp per se, but I have always wanted to have glittering lights hovering my room. Pretty……………..

This morning I took the chance of walking to work. I've always felt curious what would it be like if i walk to work and i hate being in this state of mind. I like information, not questions. So just walk it out shall we? It was a 1.5km of walk and took approximately 25 minutes. Well, sometimes being alone can be the best food for your soul. That is also one of my drives to do running. Not only do you move your muscles but the more you move your body, it actually stimulates the brain and mind to think clearer. Why do you think healthy & fit people are so optimistic?

So what did I learn today? I may have a lot to complain about but I also have a lot to be grateful of. At least my kids are in good hands. At least my husband still loves me. At least my parents are still alive and coping by day. At least, I still have a job….. As they say, it is better to light a candle than curse the dark...

Reflecting 2016; finding the silver lining

Assalamualaikum and hello,

It truly has been awhile since I last pen my thoughts here, unlike those days where I shared almost every part of my journey in life. Be it high, be it low, I used to regard this journal as my solace in finding peace.

As of today, I am now a mother of two daughters. I gave birth to Durra Zaheera Binti Aizuddin on 27^th April 2016 at SALAM Hospital, Shah Alam. Those intense hours of enduring 28 hours of labor pain is still fresh in mind as is it took place yesterday. Battling pain in the wee hours is really not fun but it was all worth it when I first laid my eyes on her at 10.45am…. The beautiful full face, fair skin and effortless dimples… My beautiful girl..

Family wise; it has been a really tough year for us. Baba is now custom to hospital visits for his illness is rooted from his diabetes. Diabetes led him to inefficient kidney function, water retention in limbs and lungs, high blood pressure, neovascular glaucoma and the most recent development is one of the valves in his heart has dilated. My poor Baba.. Not to mention the chaos that my younger brother created during Ramadhan. That is another chapter that I’m still coming to terms with. We’re not putting wool over other people’s eye or whatnot, but as time goes by, let things unfold by themselves..

Career wise; let’s let the cat out of the bag.. As I’m writing this entry, I am now sitting at my workstation in Menara Petronas Kota Kinabalu. Yes, SABAH. My baby is in Kelantan under the care of my in-laws and Piya is with my husband in Shah Alam.. Thankfully I have a cousin here residing in KK and she has given me shelter since my 1^st day being alone in KK.. “Percaturan Allah SWT tu indah” is the mantra I keep telling myself. Am I sad? Of course I am; I am a mother furthermore I’ve been taking care of Baba since he fell sick in 2005. Uncountable tears I must say… It’s true what the old folks say “You will discover your strength when being strong is the only option you have”. Henceforth, there must be reason why I’m here despite all my efforts to prevent this. And that is another lengthy chapter for us to wade through.

Friends wise; well………….. I’m being very selective now. Walk with those who hold your hands during hard times, who listens, who offers a helping hand and pray for your well-being. For not all understands you, remember; we live in a community that nods & applause on your hardship. Hence, remaining silent is better than making sense out of fools. I may reserve a few, but the friendship speaks volume.

Lastly, to anyone who is reading, always be grateful with what you have. Your kids may be quite mischievous but at least you get to put them to sleep. Your parents may be rather annoying to handle but at least every time you embrace and look upon their face, you get pahala. You may think you are experiencing financial constraint but ask yourself; do you starve yourself? Does the kids get to go to school? Do you still have food on your table? I don’t have the luxury to any of these FOR NOW but I’m still grateful that my kids are still being loved and care, that Allah SWT is still giving strength to Mama to care for Baba albeit her limitations and finally Allah SWT has place me here to help putting food on other people’s table..

Jazakallahu Khayran Kathia

Occupied mind

Assalamualaikum and hello……….

Two main thing occupying my mind this morning; baba and Pton.. Let’s start with baba shall we…

From the beginning of Ramadhan, like many others, I too had made glorious plans to multiply my deeds, improve my prayers and definitely elevate the Holy month. But I too, like other human beings, did not come short of facing obstacles that life have thrown to me. This my dear, has consume a lot of my energy, attention and constantly occupying my mind.

Baba isn’t well… We first took notice during our first iftar on Saturday. He just look soooo…frail…. Almost 3 weeks have passed and Alhamdulillah he is responding well to the medications. Not only has he been subscribe to the hospital’s pills, he is only drinking Insulin Tea; an insulin in the form of liquid. Rather than injecting this into oneself, he is drinking it like any other regular tea. The results are amazing! His sugar level is hovering around 6,7 and yesterday was the lowest reading he had ever had in such a long time; 5.7. That is too low for a diabetes patient. Oh my… But having said that, he managed to adhere to the best deemed fit range which is 6 ~ 12 only. He may be on a good constructive recovery road but alas, I can’t stop feeling this void; a constant worrying over him. And taking care of matters have consume so much of my time. Especially the night where I accompanied him at the hospital. My blood pressure is low these days and I even got an mc the other day for being lethargic. Yes, I’m tired but if you are a mom, I’m certain that you can wear my shoes huh… We just cannot succumbed to our emotions and must put on a strong will energy or every responsibilities orbiting us would collapse. And that is the kind of damage that cannot be rekindled.

My dear Pton… I just feel numb about this… You want to give but you can’t give much. Yet people are highly depending on your kind courtesy. When you ‘reluctantly’ give out some slight amount, the receiving end felt bitter as it wasn’t deemed suffice. Well, how could it be? I’ve been there at the very same spot. I may be at a better place today but how would I forget the place that built my career? My character? I do hope my dear friends would survive this ordeal. I pray and hope that your sustenance (perhaps) is somewhere else. But I do know for a fact that you guys are strong considering the fact that you are loyal to the company.

Eid is just around the corner. Spiritually, I have nothing proud to share. Just my fair share of lethargic stories. Accountability wise, I’m very glad that the road I’ve taken for the past 7 months have allowed me to finance my parents, my aunts/uncle in Malacca and support my husband. I’ve always dreamed of doing this deed for them. Thank you Allah….

Jazakallahu khayran kathia..